Nothing is easy

Whale, whale, whale, it been a while since I here...

There was a reason why the gap of the current post and the last post was far apart, not because there were no miracle or God have not done anything great in my life which in fact He did...

But my altitude got from good/bad(depending on your perspective) to worse

From "I will never ever lose my fire for God" to "I avoiding all this cause of my family" to "what the point...", and I was close to ending it.

One of the reason was cause I got too comfortable with my surrounding... I basically got everything under my parent care, but yet, I took thing for granted......

My laziness got into me, my habit which I thought i got rid of it.. came back.., I was being bad to my parent again... and I wanted to avoid all my church activities....

My pride, my jealousy, and my lack of patience really got into me, badly.... I starting to hate my friend in relationship, was always thinking to myself why my friend got such a nice relationship, even my brother got a relationship adi...

 I started to ignore most of my friend help..... Never really responded well to my family member.... And this question will always be there... "What is the reason I here for if I not really helping my friend nor my family, might as well just leave Earth (not in a suicidal way though, more like hoping an accident would just occur nearby and take me along...)."

My life was about to crumble and I started to hate everything...

Till, I saw my friend during lunch time while I was eating with my other friend, he came and sat and somehow  the topic change to thing about Christian (not talking about a religious thing), although i din want to talk about it so i juz sat there and listen and till the moment he told his story and testimony which surprises me a lot seeing where he is now. He used to a play-boy and drug taker, but now, being a changed person, he is completely different from then.

Yes, I do hear this story a lot in church but for some reason, that moment was different...

After that, then came Sunday service, when the message was about looking into your heart and check it. It may look good in the outside, but the inside may not be what you think.

"Charisma may be your first impression, but Character is what you take to the grave" Pr Kenneth

It was then I do so and ask for the help from God, Jesus and Holy Spirit and yeah, it was as horrible as that certain time... I wanted to just disappear from the world when I realized all that mistake...


But thanks God for my home leader and my "home leader" leader which I thought they don't really care. Even though it was not obvious, but it somehow confirm that there someone that care for me and I wasn't alone all this while.

Now that I see some, not all (I still a homo sapience) my dirty altitude, all I can do now is pray that Lord will help me in the future but for now I will do anything to get rid of all this. It won't be easy but I will do what a I can do and leave the rest into God's hand. It won't be an overnight stuff but something that will take time...

I will write here again when I manage to settle everything here...

To whoever may be reading this or to who may concern,
I am sorry if I ever offended you and thank you for the help you have actually provided which I have neglected...
To my primary school friend, high school friend, college friend, uni friend, friend in Christ and my family member...